I decided I wanted to be an adolescent psychologist in high school. I wanted to help the children who didn't have the reinforcement in their life that they needed. The kids the world had gotten the best of way to early, the kids who didn't get a fair shake. In my pure little mind I truly believed that I could make a difference doing this. Then I realized alot of things that, as an adult, tend to squish your vision.
a.) The kids have to be brought in by an adult. Most who need the most help dont have an adult who will bring them in.
b.) The stigma. "Our child doesn't need THERAPY!". The stigma adults focus in on makes it sounds like talking to a professional means you are crazy, or screwed up. This goes back to the above, a child who needs help has to be brought in first- if the adult views this in a negative way- so will the child. This will lead to adulthood as well-they may never ask for help.
c.) To many push pills. Sleeping pills. Anxiety pills. Hyperactive pills. Mood-balancing pills. Anti-Depressants. None of these professionals want to talk about why a child is feeling this way. Dig deep, find the core of it. They operate with a pen and post-it. and if it helps the child I am all for it, but can we try something else first?
d.)I am to selfish. I know this about myself. I cannot devote myself completely and watch children fall apart, I dont have it in me not to stab the father of a little girl who tells me he is abusing her; and watch him take her home as I stand there-helpless. I can't watch the light in our world dim in the eyes of children who's eyes are glassy instead of bright and curious.
I can't. I REFUSE. I have to inspire them; I have to let them know how amazing they are. I have to make sure the world doesn't take their prefect vision and rip holes in it before they are old enough to accomplish it.
When you are young, you are told you can be anything, do anything, see anything. As you get older you realize that the beauty in that statement is only found in the mind of a child. A child who isn't cynical yet, disheartened yet, seen the ugly parts of the world yet. Children dream; they imagine the impossible, they see the world in color.
There is a big difference between the simple-minded and the simple; and children are a beautiful understatement of simplicity. When someone tells you something positive, you find yourself silently doubting or questioning them even if they have a point. Like Julia Robert's says in "Pretty Woman"- "The bad stuff is easier to believe"... even the most uplifting of adults have an air of negativity the world has placed on them- resulting from disappointments they have had in their life, people they have lost, and challenges they feel they haven't met. We have all felt small, unimportant, like we aren't enough. We have been pushed, shoved, mocked, rejected, laughed at, and worst of all defeated.
Children have felt most of this by the time they are very young; but the amazing thing about children is they take the challenge with stride and they truly forgive, and forget. Childlike faith is the purest form of faith, and a child's love is the purest form of love. It has no contingencies, it has no limits. A child who grows up believing they can do anything, accomplish their dreams, and have everything may do just that.
2 weeks ago I was sitting with a a friend I have known since grade school, 3rd grade to be exact, and we were sipping our drinks and talking about the usual. Who got married, who is pregnant, the amazing men in our lives, and work. We haven;t gotten to see each other much over the last few years- she was getting her feet planted in her new job and I was enjoying living in Norman- so we were loving catching up. :)
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I was explaining to her that she and I are some of the only people we know who enjoy what we do. We don't dread it, we don't stay in it out of habit or comfort, we don't feel trapped. I started to explain to her that I don't want to go back to school to finish up my degree just to do it. I don;t want to spend 3500.00 a semester to have a piece of paper that tells me I accomplished something and do something I hate because "I'm an adult now". I don't want to push pencils, I dont want to crunch numbers or sit at a desk all day. I dont want an office with a view. I don't want to stare at a computer. I don't want a business degree, I dont want a finance degree, and now I don't want a psych degree. I was getting extremely frustrated and upset when she said "Well what do you want?" . I paused and I said "I want to help kids. I want to inspire. I want to change lives, I want to be happy... I want to do something that MEANS something...something that makes a difference."
She smiled and said "You need to teach."
The first time Jon smiled at me, I didn't know I loved him- but I knew he was going to be a huge part of my life. It was one of the strongest feelings I had ever felt, and it really threw me for a loop. I was never that girl. So I tried to force myself to discredit this feeling- it was just his eyelashes and pretty teeth and I was a sap, but here we are...5 years later. and I tell you what- I'm really good at loving him.... <3
So Jessica's statement hit me like a ton of bricks. So simple. Like a child telling me something they couldn't believe I didn't come up with by myself. Jessica is a teacher. She just finished her 2nd year, and she is amazing. She and I have always been very close- and very much alike. Watching her eyes light up as she talked about her job was incredible. It's what I want. Not just her happiness; but the things she does. Everything I want is in teaching; and I think I could do it very well. Im not good at alot of things- but Im good at things I pour my heart into. I pour my heart into the people I love, I pour it into singing and writing, I pour it it into travel, and I would pour it into this.
Once again I am researching my options- forcing myself to take it slow. The earliest I told myself I would go back to school and pursue this is December- I don't have a ton of school left. But like the man in my life- I think this is gonna stick. I just wanted to let everyone know that it may be speaking to soon- but I think this going to be another "big thing".
Jon and I were riding in the car as I oh-so-casually brought this up. He nodded and smiled and said "I really think you could do this. And do it well." Beautifully simple. "It what I want..." I said as I looked out the window. "I want to work with kids, I want to spark creativity and instill possibilities, I want to speak Italian and go to Italy, I want to have beautiful babies with you, I want to make a difference, I want to go to Disney World, I want to be someone that pushes people to believe they can achieve greatness..."
"Jon laughed and said "Geez you want alot..."
I grinned and said " We get one life babe, all I want is everything..."
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