The Vet

I am a server. Some nights of the week, I am also a bartender.  Tonight was one of those nights.

You  meet alot of different people as a bartender. There are  married couples who just got off of work and want to unwind as they sip cocktails and gripe about "Ron at the office" (who's a real jackass). You see couples who aren't married-at least to each other...who always arrive separately and talk to their spouses on the phone- then leave in the same vehicle. There are women who get a random night away from the kids to sip wine with their girlfriends and gripe about their husbands.  There are men who sit alone, ask if you're married, tell you never to do it...then proceed to hit on you. Then there is the occasional traveler who is in town on business and stays until you half beg them to leave so you can go home.

You also hear alot of things as a bartender. Couple's fight, men talk about failed marriages, women gripe about never finding that "perfect man", traveler's discuss their jobs-in great detail- giving you the idea that they don't do much else...you wipe down the bar and smile. Sometimes you even actually enjoy these conversations and laugh as this man tries desperately to explain that his ex-wife was just "the devil incarnate",  while the lady at the other end of the bar is ending a conversation with the words "My Husband has lost his damn mind."  sometimes you raise your eyebrows and say "Hey. That is enough."  When the 5 men who have been sipping beer for the last 2 hours start getting a little to brave and vocal.  Then you carry on; washing dishes and pouring drinks like you don't have ears unless you patrons say "Miss? another please?".

Tonight was different. I enjoy my job- I have people I see regularly that I really enjoy.  A few I flat out adore. Tonight we had a group of 4 men come in to sit at the bar top for Happy Hour.  The 3 that showed up first were probably late 30's, early 40's. In town on business, and very polite.  After a few rounds they loosened up, started to make jokes, and I was actually enjoying them as they tried so hard to embarrass each other. Then this much older man wobbles in, he is hunched over and smiles weakly at me. He takes a seat next to one of the guys on the end, and says "Hey fellas"...in a very old and raspy voice. They mumble a round of "heys" and in one swift movement the guy on the end sitting next to this older fellow turns his chair inward-putting his back to him. The old man orders a beer and proceeds to talk with the group. They call him "Denver" and explain to me that he works with them. He tells me he is originally from Denver and starts to explain Colorado in complete and utter detail as I run around trying to take care of 3 tables- the entire bar top and 3 to-go orders.   Awesome-I think. One of these.

The younger bar fellows explain to me that one of them is picking up the food tab, one is picking up the beer tab, and "Denver" is by himself. They continue with their male banter, and ignore him as he tries desperately to be a part of the conversation. They finally give in and ask him what he's babbling about- to which he says "nothin..." and looks down into his beer glass meekly as they scoff and continue on. After a few hours the younger bar fellows decide to leave. They tell me thank you and dart out the door, leaving "Denver" at the bar by himself.  By this time he has had 3 beers and a double Jameson and has told me he isn't driving 3 times.  But he isn't slurring and  I can drink that amount fairly easily so I think nothing of it. He starts to make conversation again about Colorado.  How beautiful it is and whatnot. He tells me he was a bartender for 10 years and that he's a good tipper.  He asks me about school and other small talk as I restock the bar and watch the game. He asks about turning up the volume on the tv and I explain that we can't- so he walks next door to the hotel he is staying at and gets his Ipod- puts it on the radio station and offers to share his headphones. I decline politely seeing as I have to move around; so he removes them and continues to chat with me. I start to get the feeling that the poor guy is grasping for straws, and I feel bad for ignoring him as he tries to make conversation. I make it a point to chat with him as I move about- organizing the beer and cleaning my tables.

After another beer (#5) he tells me he was in Vietnam- that he was an engineer and a gunner. He said going to war  then coming home is like driving 120 miles per hour, then 30 miles per hour. When everyone tells you to relax- you don't know how. Everything seems so slow and that diesn;t make any sense. He says war :"takes a piece of you, and even when you're better...it's still a black spot". He tells me he came close to dying a few times over there but he was too stubborn.  He giggles as he leans back on the bar stool, shakes his head and tells me he was a "young, macho kid" who tore his body up with motorcycles, skiing black diamond slopes, and hiking the peaks of the mountains in Colorado where he grew up. He says "You remind me of my daughter.  Strong. Driven. Not afraid to say what you want... but you do it in a charming way."

He said he got married, raised his kids, and then... his wife wanted a divorce.  he said it was his fault- that he "made a mess of things".  He said His kids were grown, and going through their own stuff at the time, and that he felt bad he put then through so much.  He said  after his wife left, and his kids stopped calling  "They didn't have time for dad" he explained. "I don't blame them...I never let them know anything was wrong". He started smoking cocaine, and a few other things- hee looks down at his glass as he tells me this. But at the end he looks up and he smiles.  He has been clean for 6 years.

After a fairly lengthy conversation he says to me in a small but muffled raspy voice "I'm sorry...I dont know why I'm telling you all of this.  I think I feel like strangers don't judge you...I just don't have anyone to talk to I guess..."   as he gazes down into his empty Jameson glass, grasped between two wrinkled and deeply callused hands.   "Well"  I said, leaning on the bar- "Sounds to me like you have alot to be proud of.  You raised successful kids, you fought for your country, you overcame an addiction...that makes you ok in my book."  He looked up at me- Alot of people look at you, but I swear he looked down into my soul- and he smiled.  His eyes got misty and said "well sweetheart.....that's somethin." As he shuffled into the night, I smiled to myself. I may never know his whole story. I'll never know if all of it was true or not-big fish stories from an old man perhaps.  But I s aw something vulnerable and true in him, and for that I thank him.  For giving me perspective, for allowing me to be a part of a few of the battles he fights every day, and for making me feel like just maybe, I can make a small difference when I least expect it.

Rules to live by

This is simply a compilation of rules I try to live by. Some are simply the norm, some probably only make sense to me. my frustration with people lately has made me realize that being a good person usually wins out- but not always. There is always those couple of assholes that won't change.

1.) Treat others as you want to be treated.-Pretty simple. Most people advocate this when it suits them- perhaps when THEY are the one's being treated badly. Then they conveniently forget when they are the one's treating people badly and rationalize the situation by making it someone else's fault.

2.) Take responsibility.   Big One with me. I hate hate hate when people refuse to man-up. It sucks. No one likes to screw up or be wrong, no one likes being reprimanded- but suck it up pansy ass.

3.) Say you're Sorry- For heaven's sake.  So many relationships-romantic and personal- could be saved if someone whole-heartedly decided to throw in their ego and say "My fault...im a jackass."  It works well in Jon and I's house...and believe it or not its usually me saying it.

4.) Take on another's Perspective-  Seriously.  Tunnel-vision is a MAJOR problem in this area. Everyone's to busy being defensive to think that maybe, just maybe, THEY"RE the one being a dick. (Yeah...I said "being a dick". So much more powerful than other curse words.)  think of other's views, opinions, and acknowledge them. It will get you alot further if you validate their feelings. You have to mean it though or you're just a dick.

5.) Fighting while drunk- WAIT A DAY....  If you wake up, have some coffee, eat lunch, and are STILL PISSED- its fair game.  Don't make a big scene while drunk unless you want to wake up and realize you screamed at someone...then cried.. because they ate the last of the chips.

6.) Say "I love you"-  Not to everyone like a 13 year old girl, not to people you dont really love, but to those you do- say it.  All the time.  You can;t over-use I love you if it's always sincere.

7.)Be honest with your kids-  obviously this is an opinion being that I don;t have kids- but I think honestly works best.  Not that I have to many skeletons in my closet; but when Jon and I have kids we have agreed (when its age appropriate of course) to be honest with them.  I was raised very honestly- I knew what the dangers were, what would be said, what was out there, what my parents did and experienced, and what the consequences were.  I was and am-at the risk of sounding arrogant- a very level-headed, conscious, smart woman. I also told them everything.  Yep....everything.  Still do.

8.) Teach your kids restaurant etiquette or just manners in general-  Oh my gosh.  Yes this comes from working in one.  If I had a camera....you would be amazed.  Seriously. Its awful.  Keep them in their seat, have them say please and than you, and don't buy the brat ice cream to get him to stop screaming bloody murder- give me 5 minutes with him.

9.)Another one from restaurant stand-point- remember to be kind to those working in the service industry...they catch alot of crap.  Like alot.  Half the time I feel like a garbage bin for people to throw stuff at. Every bad day, bad argument, snobby bertha-better-than-you but unhappy housewife, people with weight problems that are pissed they want the food we serve, seriously this is the crap that people take out on me.  It can be a bit hellacious.  But the people who follow this rule allow me to (mostly) enjoy my job.

10) Dont judge someone until you know THEM.- This goes for age, race, sexual preference, religion, etc. Don't tell me you hate a "type" of people...but you haven't really met any- and certainly dont know any personally.  You are an ignorant idiot.

11.)Dont interrupt!   I will slice you.  So rude and disrespectful.

12.) Practice what you preach- pretty simple. If you are a hypocrite then what you present yourself to be will result in a negative connotation, for instance- Don't be a "Devout Christian Who believes homosexuals are going to hell"  It says so in the Bible? The bible says, in plain script, DO NOT JUDGE.  Pretty much everywhere.  You have no point.   Go kick rocks.

13.) Don't play "the game"-  I know to an extent we all have to do things we dont want to. That's life. You have a family to support, etc. But don't let anyone in authority make you feel like less than you are. It isn't worth your self respect. The panic of finding a new job after you flip your boss the bird will subside- but years of being talked down to is a waste of time.  This sounds idealistic- but coming from someone whose done it- just trust me.

14.) Shut up and Listen-  Really listen. Stop waiting for your turn to talk.  This is ironic coming from me- but I listen, and I remember things. Little details.  Its all in the details.

15.)  My most important rule- BE FAITHFUL. To your friends, to your family, and especially to the one you love.  Talk about your problems, If you feel an attraction for someone else- talk about that too. Yeah it would be awkward...but not as awkward as the conversation after you did something stupid if that were to happen.  Life is so precious with someone to share it with. Cherish every day- even the ones you spend fighting..they;re all days you cant get back.  If something were to happen to them- you'd give anything to spend a day with them-even if it was spent fighting.  Remember that.

The Vow

        Valentines Day is coming up, The newly-in-a-relationship people love it- and buy more chocolate and teddy bears than in all creation,  those of us in long term relationships enjoy it- but don't put to much emphasis on it, and the single people hate it, look at it as a terribly sappy holiday, get drunk, and usually bitch at those that are happy....ahh memories.  Haha.  Valentines has never been my favorite holiday; I always end up working and Jon and I do a little something when we can- but I don;t get to worked up about it.  I do love that essential lovey-dovey movie that comes out every year right around Valentines Day- I make a day of it with girlfriends and let myself be a complete cheeseball.  Its fantastic.

I love a good romantic comedy, I love a good romantic drama even more- and if you throw Channing Tatum ( No Robert Downey Jr, but a delicious hunk of a man) and Rachel McAdams (tied with Mila Kunis as my total girl crush) Im there. I get super involved in movies.  Im that annoying person in the theater who hushes people.  If you dont hush I will throw Milk Duds at you.   Seriously.

The plot (you would get this from the trailer so again- no spoilers) is this young married couple is involved in a car accident causing Rachel McAdams a.k.a "Paige" to lose her memory of ever knowing her husband...or basically anything of the last couple of years. So Channing Tatum (aka Leo)  is heartbroken and defeated, but decided he has to make his wife "fall in love with him again."   This all sounds very sweet. Clean slate...start anew?  I start sniffling immediately. That is my second worst fear next to Jon (gulp) passing away.  That someday we will be old and gray and one of us will forget the other.  hey... Alzheimer's is scary shit ok?  So there I am....lump in throat....just trying not to be a total basket case, I mean my heart just about leaps out of my chest and splatters on the floor; and I realize this is why.  Its the MAN that is hurting....Not the woman.  It just about killed me.

So I can handle...in a wierd way...the thought of being the one who remembered.  Yes it would be horrible, and devastating, but at least you'd have all of those memories. I could love him through anything. But the thought of forgetting throws me into a tailspin; and in a wierd way watching this movie with this man just begging for his wife to know him about ruined me...because If I ever hurt Jon like that, it would rip me apart.

Everyone knows...and likes to remind me....just how "gross" Jon and I are.  I'm sorry people that we love each other so much. I get so unbelievably sick of hearing people tell me to "God just shut up about it..."  I don't walk around gushing about my fiancee....too often...Haha.  When you've been together as long as we have (5 and a half years, not crazy long but def. a while) you don't realize everything is a "we".  "We like that movie/show/restaurant".  "We want to go to Italy","we were in Target the other day and..." we we we. You don't realize you move around each other like magnets. One moves, so does the other.  If anything is funny you laugh looking at them to see if they're laughing too.  Its like gravity...you know its there but its so innate its almost unconscious.

I never knew parts of me that love Jon existed. Little stolen moments that we share in crowded rooms, flickers of the eyes that have 100 different meanings. He has about 4 or 5 different laughs. He knows about 50 different ways to instantly piss me off, about 100 ways to calm me down, and about 500 ways to make me laugh and forget about whatever he did that made me angry in the first place. The first time I saw him smile- is tucked into my mind like a snapshot.  This perfect, crooked, nervous smile. Absolute Perfection. The first time he REALLY made me angry...I have never been that out of my mind, chaotically, maniacally angry. He is my opposite in so many ways- he's insanely calm.  Never gets worked up- the minute I do he acts like I am a crazy person.  It about makes me live up to it.  But when it comes down to it, when everything that can go wrong does, when the world walks out- he's still there.  He's my home.

People have different views on relationships and love.  That they are chance or luck,  that there is someone out there everyone could "be happy with", that everyone has a counterpart or a soulmate, that love is fictional-made up (usually those that have been in love and it killed them), that there is no one out there for them (this is usually like high schoolers who have had 2 boyfriends...ever...).   There are those that jump into it- and are "in love" with everyone they go on a date with. There are those that run from it....that are scared of it and are afraid it will catch them.  There are those that have loved and lost; and those that have never loved at all.

I've experienced unconditional love,  puppy love, and romantic love in my life. I've loved and lost, and I've loved and learned. I don;t know all the answers, and I don't have a ridiculous amount of wisdom or experience. Everyone's lives and experiences are different. All I know is its worth it.  To chance the risk of becoming a "we."  To get relentlessly tormented and mocked because you can't just "shut up" about that other person.  To surrender your pride and love with everything that makes you who you are-and then some. To be angrier than you've ever been, and NOT be able to punch them in the face like you can your siblings...haha.  Its worth every single good, bad, ugly, and beautiful moment.

I vow to be yours completely.
 To fiercely love you, with every breath I take.
 To love you, even when I hate you.
 To know always, that we share a rare and transcendent kind of  love; and
.To believe in us, beyond the shadow of a doubt.
To always and forever invade your side of the bed.
To give you beautiful, smart and inevitably tenacious babies.
and to Love you in every moment, the way I love you in this one.
.