I have been blessed, and I feel like I've found my way...

I thank God for all i've been given,
at the end of every day.
Have been blessed,
Oh yes.

Lyrics to a Martina McBride song. Yes they are simple, could've been written by any Joe Scmho with a notebook under a tree on a college campus....insert guitar playing simple melody.  But these words are a message that really ring true with me. Where as most have an adoration for the cleverly phrased, the deep and hidden meanings in things, and the "what does this mean to you?" poems and lyrics; I have a love for the beautifully simple. The sentences that say so much with so little, the things that children say in a fleeting moment that leave you breathless. Charles Bukowski once "An intellectual says a simple thing in a hard way. An artist says a hard thing in a simple way."  I cannot agree more.


Blessed in my mind doesn't mean everything is perfect, it means you are able to appreciate the good.  I am a lucky girl, I say it all the time and people probably get sick of hearing it. "Look at Randi; running around and smiling like she's old school Hilary Duff in a damn Disney Music Video..." then in the next 10 minutes im having a tantrum about the fact that I haven't eaten in 5 hours. Its annoying- I get it. But I don't know how not to be 100% real. I know how to cool myself off, I know how to sugar-coat, and I know how to play ge along to an extent, but being someone else at any point...  It doesn;t register with me; and Im really bad at it. Im a terrible liar- which is why i dont do it. I'm me....all the time.  


I am blessed in the sense that I am comfortable with myself. I am blessed in the sense that I KNOW those who love me, really love me for me because I'm always me. I am blessed in the sense that the bad parts of me- the selfish, grudge-holding, impatient,  temper-infused parts of me, are 100% evened out by my oh-so-giving, patient, mellow boyfriend.  Who may be the only person I am always 500% me with. Its like I have tourettes, and he loves me- sometimes even more in my moments of crazy haha. Now let it be known he secretly likes my temper and how worked up I get...Im passionate, damnit,  Haha


I am blessed in the sense that I am finally liking the gym. a big thanks to my friend Aly who keeps me going with our poolside chats and elliptical motivational phrases. 


I am blessed in the sense that I don't want braces- wierd I know- but I don't. It would be purely cosmetic. I used to HATE my teeth. They bothered me my entire life, I was always self-conscious and got made fun of....told by people "your face would be perfect if you had braces..." Pffft. Then I date Jon. This beautiful man who is missing phalanges haha, and you never notice. If you do, there are fun jokes and entertainment to follow, but its a lesson to people that different is better than average. Everyone wants to be "unique" but only in a way that is acceptable.Now I understand this to an extent- Jon and I hit the gym and whatnot, but those are things you can change- and there are things that have to be physically altered with help. Im not about to let someone hammer my teeth straight just  so my face can look like everyone elses, and if they came up with a surgery that gave him back all of his fingers and toes I would be pissed. Our kids will have parents that are comfortable with what makes them different and hopefully the magazine articles and media wont get the best of them. Now if it is something that bothers someone about themselves- I am all about doing what makes you happy-why i am hitting the gym so hard- im ok with my teeth-but my thighs could stand to get smaller... ;)


I am blessed. In every large way, small way, and which way. I forget just like everyone else. I take things for granted, I take days, months and years for granted.  I get caught up in the bills, and the job, and the gas prices. I sleep to much. I spend to much time on my couch watching TV shows that are no doubt killing my viable brain cells. But I love with all I am, scream with all I am, cry with all I am. I feel things. Im not to scared, Im not to careful, Im not to proud. Im balanced, im in love, and im....yeah....lucky.  :)

All I Want is Everything

I.   love.   my.   life.


I decided I wanted to be an adolescent psychologist in high school. I wanted to help the children who didn't have the reinforcement in their life that they needed. The kids the world had gotten the best of way to early, the kids who didn't get a fair shake. In my pure little mind I truly believed that I could make a difference doing this. Then I realized alot of things that, as an adult, tend to squish your vision.

a.) The kids have to be brought in by an adult. Most who need the most help dont have an adult who will bring them in.
b.) The stigma.  "Our child doesn't need THERAPY!". The stigma adults focus in on makes it sounds like talking to a professional means you are crazy, or screwed up. This goes back to the above, a child who needs help has to be brought in first- if the adult views this in a negative way- so will the child. This will lead to adulthood as well-they may never ask for help.
c.) To many push pills.  Sleeping pills. Anxiety pills. Hyperactive pills. Mood-balancing pills.  Anti-Depressants. None of these professionals want to talk about why a child is feeling this way. Dig deep, find the core of it. They operate with a pen and post-it. and if it helps the child I am all for it,  but can we try something else first?
d.)I am to selfish.  I know this about myself. I cannot devote myself completely and watch children fall apart, I dont have it in me not to stab the father of a little girl who tells me he is abusing her; and watch him take her home as I stand there-helpless. I can't watch the light in our world dim in the eyes of children who's eyes are glassy instead of bright and curious.

I can't.  I REFUSE. I have to inspire them; I have to let them know how amazing they are. I have to make sure the world doesn't take their prefect vision and rip holes in it before they are old enough to accomplish it.

When you are young, you are told you can be anything, do anything, see anything. As you get older you realize that the beauty in that statement is only found in the mind of a child. A child who isn't cynical yet, disheartened yet, seen the ugly parts of the world yet. Children dream; they imagine the impossible, they see the world in color.

   There is a big difference between the simple-minded and the simple; and children are a beautiful understatement of simplicity. When someone tells you something positive, you find yourself silently doubting or questioning them even if they have a point. Like Julia Robert's says in "Pretty Woman"- "The bad stuff is easier to believe"...  even the most uplifting of adults have an air of negativity the world has placed on them- resulting from disappointments they have had in their life, people they have lost, and challenges they feel they haven't met.  We have all felt small, unimportant, like we aren't enough. We have been pushed, shoved, mocked, rejected, laughed at, and worst of all defeated. 

Children have felt most of this by the time they are very young; but the amazing thing about children is they take the challenge with stride and they truly  forgive, and forget. Childlike faith is the purest form of faith, and a child's love is the purest form of love. It has no contingencies, it has no limits. A child who grows up believing they can do anything, accomplish their dreams, and have everything may do just that. 

2 weeks ago I was sitting with a a friend I have known since grade school, 3rd grade to be exact, and we were sipping our drinks and talking about the usual. Who got married, who is pregnant, the amazing men in our lives, and work.  We haven;t gotten to see each other much over the last few years- she was getting her feet planted in her new job and I was enjoying living in Norman- so we were loving catching up. :)

-

I was explaining to her that she and I are some of the only people we know who enjoy what we do. We don't dread it, we don't stay in it out of habit or comfort, we don't feel trapped. I started to explain to her that I don't want to go back to school to finish up my degree just to do it. I don;t want to spend 3500.00 a semester to have a piece of paper that tells me I accomplished something and do something I hate because "I'm an adult now".  I don't want to push pencils, I dont want to crunch numbers or sit at a desk all day. I dont want an office with a view. I don't want to stare at a computer. I don't want a business degree, I dont want a finance degree, and now I don't want a psych degree. I was getting extremely frustrated and upset when she said "Well what do you want?" . I paused and I said "I want to help kids. I want to inspire. I want to change lives, I want to be happy... I want to do something that MEANS something...something that makes a difference."

 She smiled and said  "You need to teach."

 

The first time Jon smiled at me, I  didn't know I loved him- but I knew he was going to be a huge part of my life. It was one of the strongest feelings I had ever felt, and it really threw me for a loop. I was never that girl. So  I tried to force myself to discredit this feeling- it was just his eyelashes and pretty teeth and I was a sap, but here we are...5 years later. and I tell you what- I'm really good at loving him.... <3

 So Jessica's statement hit me like a ton of bricks. So simple. Like a child telling me something they couldn't believe I didn't come up with by myself.  Jessica is a teacher. She just finished her 2nd year, and she is amazing. She and I have always been very close- and very much alike. Watching her eyes light up as she talked about her job was incredible. It's what I want. Not just her happiness; but the things she does. Everything I want is in teaching; and I think I could do it very well. Im not good at alot of things- but Im good at things I pour my heart into. I pour my heart into the people I love, I pour it into singing and writing, I pour it it into travel, and I would pour it into this.

Once again I am researching my options- forcing myself to take it slow. The earliest I told myself I would go back to school and pursue this is December- I don't have a ton of school left. But like the man in my life- I think this is gonna stick. I just wanted to let everyone know that it may be speaking to soon- but I think this going to be another "big thing".

Jon and I were riding in the car as I oh-so-casually brought this up. He nodded and smiled and said "I really think you could do this. And do it well." Beautifully simple.  "It what I want..." I said as I looked out the window. "I want to work with kids, I want to spark creativity and instill possibilities, I want to speak Italian and go to Italy, I want to have beautiful babies with you, I want to make a difference, I want to go to Disney World, I want to be someone that pushes people to believe they can achieve greatness..."

"Jon laughed and said "Geez you want alot..." 

 I grinned and said " We get one life babe,  all I want is everything..."