Judgement

One of my a #1 pet peeves?   Pretentious people.


All of us think we are right in the way we think or feel- otherwise we wouldn't feel that way. One thing that really gets under my skin is when someone who has no life experiences make judgments on how others live through theirs.  There is a line of course, if you hurt people in the process or are just making terrible decisions and not learning your lesson that is one thing; but to think that you are in-fact better than everyone around you is ludicrous. Where does this usually happen?  Extreme religious cases.  I have faith. I am spiritual. I believe that this big earth and everyone in it is not here by chance. But me not being in church every Sunday and spending every day talking about Jesus doesn't make you better than me, give me a break.  It doesn't work that way.

Secondly, on relationships. Standards are good, they are necessary. It makes sense to want someone who has the same beliefs and morals as you do, however some of the strongest and most beautiful people, and most that are truly "saved"; got that way from coming out of something terrible and finding something beautiful. They are strong, brave and individualistic. They have seen life first hand and know that acting like a good person, and actually being a good person, are 2 completely different things. So before you decide that a relationship isn't a good idea because someone isn't exactly like you- take the time to think that maybe- just maybe- THEY are the better person.   End rant.

Matthew 7:1-5 

“Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye.

If I could write a letter to me....

People say they wouldn't change a thing- even if they could.  But I would.


I love my life.  It's kind of perfect.  The arrogant part of me really believes that I have become a better version of myself in alot of ways simply through accepting my faults and flaws, and loving myself anyways.  I Thank Jon for alot of this.  If anyone knows me 100% inside out, it's him.  However, if I could know just where I would end up no matter what- there are some things I would change.


If I could write a letter to me, it would go a little something like this.


"Dear Randi,
You are 5.  This year you will be in Mrs. Countryman's class and you will have the pleasure of meeting her pet Rabbit- Bilbo.  Do not stick your fingers in the cage- he WILL bite you.  I know you will do it anyways, but you were warned.   You will love storytime! Be sure and grab a good spot on the red tape on the floor.  Later in the year you will be introduced to the sand station and will master making sand stars...it is right next to the bathroom so make sure you go if you need to because your bladder sucks....yes it will fail you at least once this year....it isn;t your fault- those Osh Kosh zippers blow.


There is a little blonde down the street you should meet.  Her name is Nicole and you will love her.  You will know her because her laugh is so loud you can hear it at your house with the windows closed, and...get this...she has a fort under her bunk bed!  She will be one of your best friends so make sure you remember to treat her well, and if there is a fight say you are sorry if it is your fault....she will always say it first, but you need to make sure you say it too.


When you are 8 you will make 3 more friends- Jill, Jessica and Megan.  These girls are people you want to know.  You will know Jill because the first time you see her- she will be dragging a schnauzer down the street.  Go say hello!  You will know Megan because she is Jills best friend- she's a bit quieter but give her time.  Jessica will be the first to be open and friendly, don't laugh because anytime she says "shleep" instead of "sleep"...she's sensitive about it.


When you are 12 life is going to deal you a pretty awful card.  You need to make sure you hug Grandma Jean and Grandpa Bill as often as possible. Don't get upset with Grandpa Bill for yelling at you when you put your feet on the tv...he doesn't mean it.  Oh- always check the second drawer in the blue bedroom- he and Grandma Donna will leave you presents. Also check under his chair- there is always quarters ;)  Grandma Jean likes when you sit on her lap, so do it all the time, and try your hardest to memorize her face and the way she smells- like perfume and  laundry detergent.  Grandpa will laugh when you ask to comb his hair when it looks all crazy- but he loves it.  Remember to tell them how much you love them everytime you leave.When it cant get any worse this year...Nicole moves away, and its hard. You will learn that you can be close with someone even if they don't live nearby. this is a hard lesson- but you will make it through all right. Make sure you keep calling her.  All the time.  She has a hard time, too.


You are 16!  Don't be scared to drive, it really isn't so bad. When you start your new job at the grocery store  make sure and tell ( a few) of the girls who give you a hard time to shove it as often as possible...they never get any better.  Stick with your girlfriends, they are your best bet. Guess what- most of them will work with you! Cut your parents a break- they really do mean well.  They know alot more than you, and don't be to stubborn to realize that.  


HINT: If they accuse you of things you aren't doing- and you Yell "I'm NOT!!!" It really looks like you are lying. Answer in an even tone....cool your jets.


You are graduating high school!  When you go to project graduation dont spend your entire night in the bingo room- yes they will have the best prizes, but there's to much going on you will miss.  When you hang out with everyone this summer BE CAREFUL. You will love that they have motorcycles but if mom finds out they are popping wheelies with you on the back she will freak out....for good reason.  


Be smart with your heart.  Don;t give it up all at once. If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck- its probably a damn duck. I know you think you are ready and this is right, But deep down you know you are trying to salvage something...that won't complete the puzzle- it will make it worse.  When you're  really ready you won't have to convince yourself you are. Don't settle.  Don't ever be an option for someone you make a priority. You are NOT a consolation prize. Don't compromise yourself, and don't let anyone make you feel like a convenience. Speak up, stand up, and walk away.


COLLEGE BOUND!


This year you will take Algebra and English Comp.  You will learn the ins and outs of college life, and you will make a few new friends.  Public Speaking blows- but dont stop going or you will fail. 


The guy who sings will dump you because you aren't a ho. Its fine-he is a grade-A jackass.  Punch him in the face before you tell him to screw off.


ENTER SECOND SEMESTER:
There will be some guys you don't have the nerve to talk to...and thats ok! But there is this one.  You will know him because his laugh fills the entire room and he looks like he got dressed in the dark.  I know he looks homeless.  


Hint:  Approach him. It will save you alot of time....you will have to do it eventually- just do it ASAP. 
You will fall for him hard and fast, but keep it light.  This one scares easy. When you get the feeling he is pulling away from you- let him go.  He will come back.  In the mean time move in with some girl friends...Cortney Abbott is a perfect choice...and she will help you rip your bed apart in a fit of rage- AND let you sleep in bed with her if you are having a hard night. She'll want to kill him..as much as you agree-.convince her not to.


When he shows up after....a while.  Don't say harsh things.  When he says he loves you, and he will, he means it. When he doesn't know the right thing to say....and he won't alot of the time- watch the way he watches you.  Watch the way he tries not to laugh when you scream at him for eating the last cookie. Watch the way his arms open up when there's nothing left to say but I'm sorry.  Pay attention to the stolen smiles and giggles when you stub your toe and throw out the most un-lady-like words.. Listen to the way his breaths get short and choppy when he gets good and asleep (don't worry- he's fine).    


Be patient.
Be understanding.
Don't go to bed angry.
Don't punish him for things others have done.
Sometimes it is his fault..but resolve it and be done with it.
Love as much as you can, and when you feel like you are going to burst, love more.


We get one life.  Live every minute.

The Evils of Facebook and High School BS

Disclaimer" More random gripes from your truly- written in a funny sarcastic manner not in actual anger.  Any criticism of said article is not welcome- you read it- I didn't force you   ;)


Oh facebook....How I love and hate thee.  I love being able to keep in touch with the friends that lead busy lives such as I, and the friends that are to far away to visit as often as I would like.  I love that I can communicate with people at their and my convenience being that i work opposite hours than most, and I love that posting an invitation for suggestions for good massage parlors, hair products, and the other small details of my life has been made extremely simple.  However- I do not love how it has tuned many of its loyal users into a whiner, instigator, and downright coward.

Holy Shnikes I am sick of feeling like I am back in high school. I understand how once again this will seem a bit ironic or Inception-like; griping about how people's gripes, how they use their own personal space, freedom of speech, blah blah blah....save it please.  You sought this out as well so what makes you any better? Ha.  Gotcha.
My point being- I understand the need to vent (obviously); what I do not understand is the need to CONSTANTLY vent, the hilarious misrepresentation of ones self for others enjoyment/approval and the need to start conflict on a social networking sight in an extremely vague manner as to avoid any actual physical repercussions. Translation?  Bitching all the time about the same crap and making no changes, Saying you enjoy poetry and black and white classics when I know for a fact you spent most weekends of 4 years lighting up some reefer and puking on yourself (no no dont give me that liberal "that doesn't define you" crap), and my favorite- Talking shit about people and refusing to name who, while also refusing to do it in person because you know you are going to get your ass kicked.  Ok- here's the thing- I creep- like most on facebook. None of the people I am talking about- and it is no one in particular just a BUNCH of random  acquantances-are good friends of mine. So all of you that have decided I am talking about you and have gotten all huffed up and mad for no viable reason....chill. I love you.  Haha.

 I realize I bring it on myself as a snoop but I am encountering this so frequently that it has turned from a hilarious comic-strip like past time to a downright disgust for alot of my past peers.  Therefore I am exercising MY right to free speech and saying "are you freaking kidding me?"  By the way- using more words and complicated phrasing do not make you sound  more intelligent- they make you sound like a politician.  Like you are full of crap- and you have no concrete ideas of your own- so save it.  Oh and girls? The reason why you can't find a guy to take you seriously is because you have 17 facebook albums with your lady parts hanging out and a beer bong in your mouth. Stop crying about how he didn't call- you idiot.  If you have quotes under your quotations that you yourself have said- that are not funny but some kind of self-appointed philosophical discovery- I just feel bad for you.  That's like giving yourself a high five in public (Thank you Pinterest)- you just look stupid.  If you are going to say you  " feel bad for everyone around me- I was born to be successful"- make sure you spell "successful" correctly.  True story- hilarious.

I know how arrogant this seems- I always laugh when I scroll through my moody, bi-polar, I love my fiancee- worst day at work EVER!-man I want a cookie- "Re-post for what you believe in", bullcrap. We are all guilty of cursing the guy who cut us off on the highway on facebook for the world to share in our rage....some days it just gets to a be a bit ridiculous. Its those I dont associate with for obvious reasons who really get to me...its like Jersey Shore though- no matter how ridiculous i cant tear myself away from their trivial narcissistic lives.  Haha.    and I'm out!

Yeah...Im serious.

So as an extension of my last blog that 3 people probably read, and for my own amusement- for the last few days I have been told things about myself by a number of people. Observations they have made, Little mannerisms I don't realize I have, Things that reallly irritate me for no good reason.... Yep. This is a collection of completely useless information that I have tried to form into a witty interpretation of myself- strictly for your entertainment and to make me sleepy.  It's 11:35- if I watch anymore Nip/Tuck my brain is going to implode.

STRANGE/FUNNY/ FACTS:

My boss always knows when I'm getting ready to have my ladies days because I ask for a mini cheesecake.  On the same day of every month.   and only on that day.    Seriously.

I sneeze in 3's.  I never sneeze just once.  Like ever.

They have started to force me to look at my engagement ring at work when I get in a tizzy.  It helps.

I sleep the best when there is a baby on my chest.  Best.  naps.   ever.

I tell MY GM I bought my wedding dress, and he tells me there is a song Jon needs to download and listen to before the wedding, I ask him what it is and he says "Pink Floyd-  Run."

I work Italian, so I never want pasta on my days off. I don't like Mexican food.  I'll eat it, I don't hate it, but with me it's all steak, fried chicken, and mashed potatoes. Occasionally throw in some sushi and seafood :)

One of my favorite things about Ireland was the smell.

If I don't leave the t.v. on at night- my brain will reel until 6 in the morning unless I drug it with Nyquil.  Yes, I swear. The fun of being completely type A.

My bladder is like that of an old lady with dementia.  If I tell you I don;t have to pee- wait 10 minutes- then watch me try not to wet myself.

If I get so mad I cry- dont comfort me- RUN.   Its about to get ugly.

When I wake up i stumble in to my living room in whatever clothes were on the floor next to the bed- usually consisting of Jons T-shirt, my sleep shorts and mis-matched tube socks.   Sexy.

Even after 6 months every time I get in my "new" car- I get really happy.   :)

Disney anything always makes me happy.   Except the documentaries about the parks- those just make me want to go- and in turn make me depressed.

Stockings are my favorite thing at Christmas.  A big sock full of  tons of random stuff that I love?! YES PLEASE!

Relax Riesling will earn you a hug, a kiss on the cheek, and a happy dance from me.  Regardless of who you are.

Jon says he can tell how my night at work was from the way I open the door.

Its amazing the food combinations I can come up with when I am to broke or lazy to go get something.  Today I had a turkey burger (just the patty)  with some mustard and an egg,  a few chips with hummus, and some grapes.  Oh and a cup of strawberry-kiwi juice.  Yum.

When I dont want to go to the gym- I force myself to put on my gym clothes anyways... this usually motivates me. When that doesn't work I watch "Heavy" on netflix...and end up doing crunches in front of the t.v.






THINGS THAT MAKE ME AN ANGRY BUNNY.

People who don't say "I'm sorry" and just wait for it to blow over, or do something nice instead, Piss me the eff  OFF.

If you are on the phone with me- don't have a 10 minute conversation about something un-important with someone in the room with you.  I will seriously hang up on you.

I have a ridiculously low tolerance for noise. I'm like an old lady. and I swear our kitchen has a noise quota they have to fill every day.

Having to talk to someone over loud music makes me want to rip my hair out.  Seriously.

Don't talk to me before I have been awake for at least 40 minutes and have one or two gulps of coffee in my system.   This is for your own safety.

If we are sitting at dinner, just the two of us- stop freaking texting.

Don't tell me you aren't hungry/thirsty then eat/drink half of mine.  I will kill you.

Screw you, tollbooth! I gave you 55 cents. Im not throwing in another dime because your stupid light didn't turn green.

If I don't ask- I don't expect you to tell me.  But don't offer up information or an explanation that I know is complete bullshit.  You're just gonna make me mad.

I hate when people blame everyone else, and refuse to think they may be the problem.  If 25 people tell you that you are a douchebag- maybe....JUUUUUST maybe....your just a douchebag.

Little kid at table 5- if you shake that empty cup at me one more time Im going to rip your little arm off . Whats that?  you had Sprite? and I gave you straight Soda water? and you took a great big drink of it? aww my mistake.....

Its not my fault your husband called me "darlin". Stop glaring at me you bizzle.


What  happened to all the men?

This drives me crazy. Why are boys in girls' pants?  Why are they wearing purses?  (satchel my ASS.)  Why are they wearing knit hats in the 110 degree heat?  Why are they a size 0? Why do they refuse to eat anything besides bark, and berries and all that other non-food, non-dairy, natural-vegan bullshit? . All of you trying to be weird...are just the same as everyone else.

Roided-out angry-opposite of aforementioned men.

Seriously?  You cry more than any girl I know.   Lay off the juice.  By the way....YES everybody knows.  Your arms are huge but there's nothing in your chest and it happened in like 3 weeks. Protein shakes my ass. Oh and muscles don't make up for the fact that your face is awful.  If you have to tell me how badass you are- Im going to laugh at you.

Pieces of Me

I believe this state is trying to burn us alive.

I believe in the beauty of a college education. Not for the piece of paper that says I completed it, but for the ability to be taught painting, Italian, and how to teach children.

I believe my youngest brother could be a stand-up comedian.

I believe my favorite foods are those associated with good memories.

I believe that all PEOPLE are created equal, regardless of gender, race,religion, or sexual preference.

I believe that the majority of girls who ends up being overly opinionated, stubborn, and refusing to tolerate being treated less than perfect-become that way after being all accepting, all forgiving and completely in love....and had the crap kicked out of them.     Either that or you were very spoiled as a child.  Haha

I believe that love is 500% honest. All the time. If its hard to say- it probably needs to be talked about.

I believe that I change change the world. Maybe not in a huge way, but I think It will make a difference. Think globally, act locally.

I believe that kids are so much smarter and more aware of things than anyone gives them credit for.

I believe that statements that hurt peoples feelings hurt them because there is truth in them, not saying that is bad or good- but otherwise you could completely discredit said statement,.

I believe that you say things to someones face. You don't have to be overly aggressive or an instigator about it, but if you are going to talk about them behind their back, you find a way to communicate it to them in person.

I believe that Bob Stoops is a badass.

I believe that french toast was made by the gods.

I believe that once you love someone,even if it turns sour, in a small way you love them for life.

I believe working out keeps me from killing people.

I believe the media gives little girls a terrible body image....BUT.....they watch their mothers/sisters etc. for how much confidence they end up having about their body, etc..

I believe the thought of death becomes more scary after you find your soulmate.

I believe sometimes forever doesnt seem like long enough.

I believe you should never compromise yourself, because its all you have.(Janis Joplin) but I do believe that when you love someone/people-compromise is part of the package, and although it might not always be happily, you do it.

I believe that holding grudges is wrong, but I still do it. I can't convince my heart to forgive those who tore it into pieces. Stubborn, stupid, heart.

I believe tears can be shed for any emotion, and they are beautiful. The vulnerability that makes us human is found in  them.

I believe that you dont marry someone because you are hopeful, you marry them because you are sure.

I believe that sheltering a child can lead the to act out, but allowing a child to act out leads them to feel absolved of repercussions and responsibility of their actions. I ibelieve it is a delicate balance, and when in doubt be a parent and not a friend.

I believe that sometimes people who dont have kids have valid points/opinions and people who have kids use the excuse "They dont have kids- what do they know" to invalidate those opinions/points.

I believe that most people are basically good, but lose sight of whats important in life.  I can be one of these people.

I believe that it isnt nice things that make people feel good about themselves, but peoples reactions to those nice things.

I believe Im self-aware enough to counter-act my completely bi-polar personality. I have learned to (pretty much) talk myself down- thanks to my ever-so-patient boyfriend. Haha

I believe the love you take is equal to the love you make.

I have been blessed, and I feel like I've found my way...

I thank God for all i've been given,
at the end of every day.
Have been blessed,
Oh yes.

Lyrics to a Martina McBride song. Yes they are simple, could've been written by any Joe Scmho with a notebook under a tree on a college campus....insert guitar playing simple melody.  But these words are a message that really ring true with me. Where as most have an adoration for the cleverly phrased, the deep and hidden meanings in things, and the "what does this mean to you?" poems and lyrics; I have a love for the beautifully simple. The sentences that say so much with so little, the things that children say in a fleeting moment that leave you breathless. Charles Bukowski once "An intellectual says a simple thing in a hard way. An artist says a hard thing in a simple way."  I cannot agree more.


Blessed in my mind doesn't mean everything is perfect, it means you are able to appreciate the good.  I am a lucky girl, I say it all the time and people probably get sick of hearing it. "Look at Randi; running around and smiling like she's old school Hilary Duff in a damn Disney Music Video..." then in the next 10 minutes im having a tantrum about the fact that I haven't eaten in 5 hours. Its annoying- I get it. But I don't know how not to be 100% real. I know how to cool myself off, I know how to sugar-coat, and I know how to play ge along to an extent, but being someone else at any point...  It doesn;t register with me; and Im really bad at it. Im a terrible liar- which is why i dont do it. I'm me....all the time.  


I am blessed in the sense that I am comfortable with myself. I am blessed in the sense that I KNOW those who love me, really love me for me because I'm always me. I am blessed in the sense that the bad parts of me- the selfish, grudge-holding, impatient,  temper-infused parts of me, are 100% evened out by my oh-so-giving, patient, mellow boyfriend.  Who may be the only person I am always 500% me with. Its like I have tourettes, and he loves me- sometimes even more in my moments of crazy haha. Now let it be known he secretly likes my temper and how worked up I get...Im passionate, damnit,  Haha


I am blessed in the sense that I am finally liking the gym. a big thanks to my friend Aly who keeps me going with our poolside chats and elliptical motivational phrases. 


I am blessed in the sense that I don't want braces- wierd I know- but I don't. It would be purely cosmetic. I used to HATE my teeth. They bothered me my entire life, I was always self-conscious and got made fun of....told by people "your face would be perfect if you had braces..." Pffft. Then I date Jon. This beautiful man who is missing phalanges haha, and you never notice. If you do, there are fun jokes and entertainment to follow, but its a lesson to people that different is better than average. Everyone wants to be "unique" but only in a way that is acceptable.Now I understand this to an extent- Jon and I hit the gym and whatnot, but those are things you can change- and there are things that have to be physically altered with help. Im not about to let someone hammer my teeth straight just  so my face can look like everyone elses, and if they came up with a surgery that gave him back all of his fingers and toes I would be pissed. Our kids will have parents that are comfortable with what makes them different and hopefully the magazine articles and media wont get the best of them. Now if it is something that bothers someone about themselves- I am all about doing what makes you happy-why i am hitting the gym so hard- im ok with my teeth-but my thighs could stand to get smaller... ;)


I am blessed. In every large way, small way, and which way. I forget just like everyone else. I take things for granted, I take days, months and years for granted.  I get caught up in the bills, and the job, and the gas prices. I sleep to much. I spend to much time on my couch watching TV shows that are no doubt killing my viable brain cells. But I love with all I am, scream with all I am, cry with all I am. I feel things. Im not to scared, Im not to careful, Im not to proud. Im balanced, im in love, and im....yeah....lucky.  :)

All I Want is Everything

I.   love.   my.   life.


I decided I wanted to be an adolescent psychologist in high school. I wanted to help the children who didn't have the reinforcement in their life that they needed. The kids the world had gotten the best of way to early, the kids who didn't get a fair shake. In my pure little mind I truly believed that I could make a difference doing this. Then I realized alot of things that, as an adult, tend to squish your vision.

a.) The kids have to be brought in by an adult. Most who need the most help dont have an adult who will bring them in.
b.) The stigma.  "Our child doesn't need THERAPY!". The stigma adults focus in on makes it sounds like talking to a professional means you are crazy, or screwed up. This goes back to the above, a child who needs help has to be brought in first- if the adult views this in a negative way- so will the child. This will lead to adulthood as well-they may never ask for help.
c.) To many push pills.  Sleeping pills. Anxiety pills. Hyperactive pills. Mood-balancing pills.  Anti-Depressants. None of these professionals want to talk about why a child is feeling this way. Dig deep, find the core of it. They operate with a pen and post-it. and if it helps the child I am all for it,  but can we try something else first?
d.)I am to selfish.  I know this about myself. I cannot devote myself completely and watch children fall apart, I dont have it in me not to stab the father of a little girl who tells me he is abusing her; and watch him take her home as I stand there-helpless. I can't watch the light in our world dim in the eyes of children who's eyes are glassy instead of bright and curious.

I can't.  I REFUSE. I have to inspire them; I have to let them know how amazing they are. I have to make sure the world doesn't take their prefect vision and rip holes in it before they are old enough to accomplish it.

When you are young, you are told you can be anything, do anything, see anything. As you get older you realize that the beauty in that statement is only found in the mind of a child. A child who isn't cynical yet, disheartened yet, seen the ugly parts of the world yet. Children dream; they imagine the impossible, they see the world in color.

   There is a big difference between the simple-minded and the simple; and children are a beautiful understatement of simplicity. When someone tells you something positive, you find yourself silently doubting or questioning them even if they have a point. Like Julia Robert's says in "Pretty Woman"- "The bad stuff is easier to believe"...  even the most uplifting of adults have an air of negativity the world has placed on them- resulting from disappointments they have had in their life, people they have lost, and challenges they feel they haven't met.  We have all felt small, unimportant, like we aren't enough. We have been pushed, shoved, mocked, rejected, laughed at, and worst of all defeated. 

Children have felt most of this by the time they are very young; but the amazing thing about children is they take the challenge with stride and they truly  forgive, and forget. Childlike faith is the purest form of faith, and a child's love is the purest form of love. It has no contingencies, it has no limits. A child who grows up believing they can do anything, accomplish their dreams, and have everything may do just that. 

2 weeks ago I was sitting with a a friend I have known since grade school, 3rd grade to be exact, and we were sipping our drinks and talking about the usual. Who got married, who is pregnant, the amazing men in our lives, and work.  We haven;t gotten to see each other much over the last few years- she was getting her feet planted in her new job and I was enjoying living in Norman- so we were loving catching up. :)

-

I was explaining to her that she and I are some of the only people we know who enjoy what we do. We don't dread it, we don't stay in it out of habit or comfort, we don't feel trapped. I started to explain to her that I don't want to go back to school to finish up my degree just to do it. I don;t want to spend 3500.00 a semester to have a piece of paper that tells me I accomplished something and do something I hate because "I'm an adult now".  I don't want to push pencils, I dont want to crunch numbers or sit at a desk all day. I dont want an office with a view. I don't want to stare at a computer. I don't want a business degree, I dont want a finance degree, and now I don't want a psych degree. I was getting extremely frustrated and upset when she said "Well what do you want?" . I paused and I said "I want to help kids. I want to inspire. I want to change lives, I want to be happy... I want to do something that MEANS something...something that makes a difference."

 She smiled and said  "You need to teach."

 

The first time Jon smiled at me, I  didn't know I loved him- but I knew he was going to be a huge part of my life. It was one of the strongest feelings I had ever felt, and it really threw me for a loop. I was never that girl. So  I tried to force myself to discredit this feeling- it was just his eyelashes and pretty teeth and I was a sap, but here we are...5 years later. and I tell you what- I'm really good at loving him.... <3

 So Jessica's statement hit me like a ton of bricks. So simple. Like a child telling me something they couldn't believe I didn't come up with by myself.  Jessica is a teacher. She just finished her 2nd year, and she is amazing. She and I have always been very close- and very much alike. Watching her eyes light up as she talked about her job was incredible. It's what I want. Not just her happiness; but the things she does. Everything I want is in teaching; and I think I could do it very well. Im not good at alot of things- but Im good at things I pour my heart into. I pour my heart into the people I love, I pour it into singing and writing, I pour it it into travel, and I would pour it into this.

Once again I am researching my options- forcing myself to take it slow. The earliest I told myself I would go back to school and pursue this is December- I don't have a ton of school left. But like the man in my life- I think this is gonna stick. I just wanted to let everyone know that it may be speaking to soon- but I think this going to be another "big thing".

Jon and I were riding in the car as I oh-so-casually brought this up. He nodded and smiled and said "I really think you could do this. And do it well." Beautifully simple.  "It what I want..." I said as I looked out the window. "I want to work with kids, I want to spark creativity and instill possibilities, I want to speak Italian and go to Italy, I want to have beautiful babies with you, I want to make a difference, I want to go to Disney World, I want to be someone that pushes people to believe they can achieve greatness..."

"Jon laughed and said "Geez you want alot..." 

 I grinned and said " We get one life babe,  all I want is everything..."